Neighborly Gnomes
My beautiful bride and I had the pleasure of frequently passing our neighbor's porch, one that was embellished with two lawn-fixtures: gnomes. One played a saxophone, the other a cello. But I was concerned for them so I wrote the following letter.
To whom it may concern.
I am deeply troubled over your gnomes. They are exposed without any protection at all. Anyone could feed them pieces of Snickers bars and they'll be so spoiled from eating pieces of Snickers bars that they'll no longer eat their regular gnome food. And they could die!
The last time I tried feeding them pieces of Snickers bars, they were lucky. Just as I was about to hand one of them, the cute one, a piece of Snickers bar, Xena the warrior princess jumped from the tree tops and scared me away. I sure learned my lesson! Maybe you could warn other people with a sign that says something like "Thank you for not feeding the gnomes pieces of Snickers bars," or "Please do not feed the gnomes." After all, we can't always rely on Xena the warrior princess to help the gnomes out.
Sincerely,
A concerned neighbor.
Soon after, Beth and I passed the house and were quite pleased that a handmade sign sat behind the gnomes reading, "Please Do Not Feed The Gnomes."
About a week later, after some heavy rains, we noticed that the sign and the gnomes were no longer on the porch. Saddened, I wrote another letter to our neighbors.
To whom it may concern,
Dear Whom,
When my wife and I saw the handsomely crafted "Please do not feed the gnomes" sign, we were so overjoyed that we skipped and leaped all the way to College Ave. But now we don't see the sign nor the gnomes! Are they okay? Do you know where they went?
Maybe they realized they needed to get their instruments fixed. Of course, there's no way for us to know whether or not their instruments are working because humans can't hear gnome music.
Maybe they wanted to get out of the rain. But everybody knows that some of the gnomes biggest festivals take place in the rain, so that can't be it.
Maybe it had something to do with the leprechaun.
I love cheese. And just the other day, as I was opening a new package of Tillamook cheddar cheese for my cheese sandwich with extra mayonnaise, a leprechaun jumped out. He said, "Aim free! Aim free!" I was quick enough to grab an Irish-English dictionary and look up what he said. It turns out he said "I'm free! I'm free."
But I didn't have my wits about me to grab him and make him take me to his pot of Tillamook cheeses. He jumped out the window muttering, "Ai think ai'll see me a Harry Potter film and drink some lemonade to wet me whistle."
No doubt, as the leprechaun passed by the gnomes, the gnomes grabbed him and made him take them to his pot of Tillamook cheeses. I bet one of them, the cute one, is munching on a piece of cheddar cheese right now saying, "Aargh! It ain't pieces of Snickers bars, but it's better than gnome food!"
Anyhow, I wish you and your gnomes all the best. And if you have any information regarding the well-being of your gnomes, please let me know. You can reach me at the e-mail on my website at www.thestrongestwhisper.com.
Your concerned neighbor,
Mr. Cheese.
Unfortunately, I've not yet heard from them and the gnomes are still in an unknown location. But I'll fill you all in as the saga of the gnomes continues.
3/6/04 - A few weeks after leaving the last message, I walked down towards College Ave. and a woman with a baby stroller and two toddlers was headed in my direction.
"Are you the singer?" she asked. After I plead guilty, she turned to her son. "It looks like we found our concerned neighbor!"
When I realized who she was, I immediately asked if her gnomes were alright.
"They're only for Christmas," she explained.
Relieved, I told her how glad I was to have met her and we parted.
So there you have it. She only invites the gnomes over for Christmas. Afterwards, the gnomes return to their homes. No doubt, somewhere near Xena the warrior princess.